realised that I'm more a people person than loner. miss my comfortable toyama life. love being on the move whether in a train, bus, or boat. hate looking for places to sleep. like hanoi because i have met some traveling friends there. more lonelier than i care to admit on the traveller's trail. stick out like a sore thumb because i'm black, female, and big. think the body size is more of an issue than race. ultimately don't care. feeling priviledge to live my dream. realise it probably took 5 or 6 generations in my family's history to get to this moment. spent 3 years planning, manuvering, and saving for this moment in time. don't want to fuck it up by not take advantage of everyday. did nothing today since i'm convinced it will rain violently. love the rain. hate getting soaked in the rain in a foreign country. getting use to being laughed at again. worried about overspending. have more money in the bank than some of the people in southeast asia could ever dream of. think that is depressing. think communism is flawed because someone always ends up with a little more (food, money, better job, apartment, priviledges). deep in my heart afraid IT won't happen. know that IT can't happen because i'm so closed to letting IT in. australian woman on tour told me it is ok if IT doesn't happen. wondered why she felt the need to tell me. feel that Black women never get the love, affection, and nurturing they deserve simply because the world believes they are less than. don't they know that we will inherit the Earth. nations have been built on our backs but we get no credit. i'm pissed. without us it would all cease to exist. women are stronger than men. happy that my family gave me enough love, affection, and nurturing to survive. still living on that love even in my thirties. almost 34. don't want to celebrate it alone. but don't think i'll have any choice. worried i'm not writing enough. but still not motivated to write everyday. thank god I remember everything. will write the book no matter what. if i don't write the book, i can't look in the mirror. wasted lots of opportunities in my life. too terrified to waste my current opportunities. traveling is addictive and tiring. i like europeans much more than americans on the traveller's trail. young white american males particularly seem confused to see me on the traveller's trail. secretly delight in showing up at places where i supposedly don't belong. learning about freedom. it is beautiful but can be heavy if you aren't use to wearing it. living your dream can be a little more difficult than anticipated. freedom can be scary too. so use to living with obligations, baggage, labels weighing me down. ha long bay and hanoi saved my Vietnam experience. can't wait to hit next destination.